If you haven’t seen this film and want to, LEAVE.
No really, go. Come back here later if you like …
Are they gone yet? No? Ok, we’ll give them five … Is that new? Looks great!
Yup? Everyone out?
Ok, I get that Scott is calling this a “stand alone” film unrelated to Alien … sorta … the mural in the big giant head room has a depiction of a fully formed Giger Alien queen, but I’ll let it slide.
A positive: the film is beautiful, it’s absolutely gorgeous to look at. The 3D is superb – it was shot in with stereoscopic technology. If you can see it in a cinema using infrared technology instead of RealD, then please do it. If I could get my hands on a copy of the soundtrack I would stick it through my headphones, turn up the sound and happily watch the film over and over without having to listen to a single line of dialogue.
As for the rest …
The characters are terribly written. Inconsistent at best, mere plot devices at worst. The dialogue is plain awful and expository at times.
I could pull apart the rest of this film and … fuck it, we’re going to.
Here follows a list of “what the fuck?!” moments that happened while watching this film for a second time (we bought tickets before we found out we could attend a free preview screening). If you have any explanations for these, then throw them into the comments or you can add to this WTF list …
– Who the fuck signs up on a mission without being briefed before they get onto a space ship that will have them travelling across deep space and in stasis for over 2 years? Seriously? No wonder all of the scientists on that ship were stupid.
– Speaking of stupid scientists, really you are going to take off your helmet in a moment of acknowledged bravado and then NEVER PUT THEM ON AGAIN? Where’s your health and safety officer? Why has no one sat you all through a risk assessment briefing? Did the Tories/Libertarians win and do away with all health and safety laws? My god, woman, you’re handling a dismembered head and you STILL HAVE NO HELMET ON! What’s the point of you putting the head through a sterilization/quarantine process later when you are already exposed? To get some use out of that medical masks you packed back on Earth? Got infected by aliens? I’m not surprised, you deserve to die.
– Archeologist dude is an arsehole, apparently. I don’t know why. Some moments he is, some he isn’t. I also don’t know why he gets all shitty when he thinks that the space jockeys are all dead. DUDE, YOU’VE JUST SEEN EVIDENCE OF A NON EARTH LIFE FORM, HOW IS YOUR BRAIN NOT BLOWN BY THIS RIGHT NOW? For this sulky behaviour alone, you deserve to die.
– Geologist dude has little seekers that he can follow with his watch and even direct the crew in the direction they should follow. Some how he loses this special skill to check his watch/map and can’t find his way out of the complex. REMEMBER THAT THING YOU DID NOT 10 MINUTES AGO? DO IT AGAIN. You can’t? You deserve to die. And in any case, your little seekers failed to mention the now living crawling worms in the giant head room. Please die again.
– Biology dude, YOU HAVE JUST MADE FIRST CONTACT WITH AN ALIEN LIFE FORM and you treat the little penis stalk like a puppy? Offering it your hand when it turns into a cobra hooded hissing vagina? Are you insane? Let me see your biology degree … did you have to collect a bunch of barcodes and send away for it with a stamped self addressed envelope? Of course you were going to die. No sympathy, you deserved it.
– Holograms which randomly switch on to warn people off by showing one of your members running away from something and then getting decapitated, fine. Holograms which randomly switch on AND TELL PEOPLE HOW TO DRIVE YOUR FULLY ARMED AND PLANET DESTROYING SPACESHIP, why? Why the fuck would you do that? I’m surprised you lived so long.
– Giant proto-human, you apparently have a bunch of spaceships available to you when the other one crashed. Why didn’t you just take off in one of those instead of pursuing the little human woman to her little ship? You know those canister things you were probably going to let off on Earth, you could’ve let one off near her on your way to the ship if it were that important for her to be dead. You could probably drop it from one of your ships. But no, you decided to go snooping. I suspect you were left in stasis for a couple of millennia because you’re a bit slow and your “mates” thought it would be funny. That’s kind of cruel. You were probably a nice boy who wasn’t terribly bright and was made to join the military because you were hanging around with the wrong crowd. Sadly the wrong crowd preys on the vulnerable and you were told that they were “just testing” the stasis pods … it was only going to be “five Earth minutes” … 2000 years later and you wake up wanting your Mum. You should’ve got on the next available ship out. You didn’t. You decided to track down useless humans who would have probably died anyway. And what did you get for your misdirected anger? That’s right, death. I hope you learned your lesson.